God Was Showing Off
A Love Letter to Nudibranchs, the Sea’s Most Fabulous Weirdos
The premise of the nudibranch — its beautiful, colorful, whimsical flaps that cannot be found anywhere else on Earth — if you haven’t noticed already, they are indeed my favorite animal.
It all started in my zoology course, which I was forced to take as a pre-med requirement in community college to transfer into a top-tier university. We moved through the endless parade of animal phyla: from Cnidaria to Porifera... to Echinodermata and Platyhelminthes. I still remember watching my first video of a tapeworm reproducing and getting a cramp in my neck from how grossed out I was by its parasitic body. Disgusting. Like — who invented you, tapeworms? No one asked for you. Well, I guess God did, but STILL! WHY THE TAPEWORM?!
Anyway. Back to nudibranchs. The greatest, most majestic creatures to ever exist. Ahhh I just LOVE THEM SO MUCH.
When we finally dipped into the Mollusca phylum, my neurodivergent (aka wizard-in-human-form) brain went B-A-N-A-N-Assssssss. Truly. It all started when I learned this:
When nudibranchs get down to business, it's not just biology — it's a queer underwater rom-com. These flamboyant little sea slugs are simultaneous hermaphrodites, which means they come equipped with both sets of plumbing. So when two nudibranchs meet for some tender, tentacle-free action, they both try to fertilize the other — at the same time. It’s like a marine version of “Who’s the Daddy?” but make it fashion.
And the best part? After their slow-motion, side-by-side, penis-fencing romance (yes, that’s real), they decide who gets to carry the eggs. No societal roles, no outdated expectations — just a consensual sea slug negotiation:
“You be the mom this time, sweetie. I did it last Tuesday.”
– dramatic silence –
Are you not convinced these are the greatest animals of all time?
How did evolution just delete this kind of mating ritual from humanity? The equal balance of determining who carries the child…
In my beautiful vision of human evolution, I imagine a 5D future where mother and father can co-create immaculate conception outside the physical body. Where telepathic imagination forms a beautiful child, made of all their favorite qualities and life-earned strengths.
A new world — led with loving compassion, creativity, and wonder.
But for this 3D world… a gurl can only dream — and continue her deep, sea-slug love affair with the glorious nudibranch.